An
Invention for Tumbling Runners - The Bowser Bomb
To
paraphrase Lance: It's not about the dog.
It
isn't often that we see the words "pedestrian" and
"explosives" in the same sentence - usually for good reason
- but in this case we can make an exception. By pedestrians I
refer only to dog walkers of the ignorant sort, and the
explosives are not so much Hollywood blockbuster finale as
firecrackers. Really big firecrackers.
Before
we get into the pyrotechnics, let's set the stage by considering the
players in this drama:
You
- the human who wants to run on a reasonably safe and pleasant route
outdoors.*
The
Dog – an unpredictable, free-spirited quadruped that chases
vehicles, fetches balls, and snatches morsels of food from the tip of
its nose quicker than you can say Jack Russell! (that last one
being no mean feat, I assure you, having tried it myself countless
times- and all of them at just that one party, if memory serves).
The
Dog Walker – judging by its distinguishing features and largely
erect, bipedal posture – a member of that sub-set of humans that
serves dogs by picking up their poop and standing around idly while
their animal smells things.
The
Leash – any cable, string, rope, chain, or ribbon-like
contrivance
that tethers dog, walker, and runner into a Bermuda triangle of
comical, hazardous, high-stepping dances that often result in injury,
most likely to the runner.
The
Problem – The runner does not wish to dance; there is no music and
the footwear is all wrong.
Avoiding
this nonsense seems simple on the surface: if the walker and/or dog
could just move to any other spot on the face of the entire
earth - often just a teensy step to either side of where they are
right now - it might negate the dog/leash hazard and all parties
could go about their business unimpeded. We're just talking about
enough clearance for a human to squeeze through, with reasonably safe
footing, in an area normally roomy enough to accommodate everyone
(assuming they were conscious).
The
Solution – an invention I've perfected – at least in my mind, from
the comfort of bed as I lie awake summoning the gumption to head out
for early morning runs – that runners can use to "manipulate the
dog walker's spatial coordinates" (ie. physically move them),
clearing just enough space to pass safely.
The
only criteria I reckon we'd need is for it to be something that would
stun more than harm, and be sufficiently light and compact to
discreetly clip onto a hydration belt. Result: the Bowser Bomb.
The
Simple 4-Step Bowser Bomb Process:
1)
On approaching the miscreant dog walker, make all reasonable efforts
to get its attention (clapping, clearing the throat, a quick toot
from a hand-held Klaxon) thus giving it the opportunity to take the
right action before things quickly escalate. This also affords you
some measure of legal protection should questions of due process
arise. Typically, unless you are downwind from a fire hydrant, the
dog will notice you but its innate dearth of cat-level smarts means
it will lack the executive thinking skills to figure out how to
change the course of fate on its own. Plus it will be sizing you up
on its own instinctive PE (play vs. edibility) scale.
Remember, unlike its walker, it can't help itself; it's just a dog.
2)
At this point, assuming the walker continues in its state of passive
disregard (or active contempt - it all amounts to the same thing) and
you are faced with stopping and turning around, jumping over the
quivering leash, or blazing an ankle-twisting detour, it's time to
discreetly reach for your BB. Just like a gel packet, place the BB's
tab in your teeth and tear off the trigger, being sure to not
swallow the contents out of habit. You can now lob the BB toward
the walker, confident in your anonymity because, of course, its
concussive force should render the walkers' short term memory kaput.
In a perfect world the BB will soar close to the walker without
making actual skin contact (superficial burns) and commence its
"release of influential energy" (explode). If you've
correctly matched your BB volume to the walker's general girth the
results will be swift and sublime: the walker will experience a brief
flight away from the BB's "event zone," simultaneously
becoming limp all over. This not only cushions its landing, in the
way a drunk driver usually survives collisions unharmed, but more
importantly the leash is usually released, dropping to the ground and
clearing the way as...
3)
... the runner strides over the grounded leash and continues running,
safe and unimpeded.
4)
More often than not the dog will be so impressed by this turn of
events that it will just stare in slack-jawed wonderment before
returning to smelling things. Should it choose to chase you, it will
be more to gambol about and thank you for its new-found freedom than
to take a chunk from your calf.
If
it's a good day for the walker, it will not lose complete
consciousness, and, instead, spring back to its feet within the half
hour, likely not remembering a thing.
I'd
imagine the BB will be most effective in one-owner/one-leash/one-dog
confrontations. Clearly, something packing more firepower is needed
to handle multi-leash dog walking services and the poly-dog clusters
of stroller-pushing latte-sippers clotting up pathways in leisurely
klatches that call to mind those ridiculous giant human
doilies formed by suicidal parachutists linking arms in mid-air; the
problem here is in the risk of running injuries when the ordnance
size approaches what's used in mining and mountain highway
construction. Runners might develop scoliosis if loaded down with BBs
for large groups - the weight penalties alone would harmfully skew
training plans. More pre-dawn tossing and turning will be needed to
solve this one. If I can't sleep, at least I can dream.
*
Bowser Bomb not intended for indoor use.
